Rupture and Repair
Ruptures in Relationships: An Opportunity for Growth
Written by Kittaporn Jonglertjanya, D.O.
Rupture is inevitable in any relationship throughout our lives—whether between mother and child, husband and wife, employer and employee, or therapist and patient. It’s not that we can avoid ruptures altogether; rather, they can be an opportunity to deepen the relationship if we can successfully reconnect emotionally. A rupture happens when there’s an emotional disconnection between two people, often following an unresolved disagreement or when one person fails to meet the other’s expectations.
Common Mistakes to Avoid During a Rupture
Justifying Your Point of View
When you feel misunderstood, it can be tempting to explain your perspective further, believing that adding more justifications will help the other person understand. However, this often has the opposite effect. Instead of bridging the gap, it can push the other person further away and make the rupture worse.Minimizing the Issue or Avoiding the Conversation
Whether consciously or subconsciously, it’s easy to try to ignore or minimize the rupture, hoping it will simply go away. While taking a break to cool off can be helpful if emotions are running high, avoiding the issue entirely won’t resolve it. For true repair to happen, the situation needs to be addressed and talked through eventually.Self-Condemnation or Blaming the Other Person
When we see the emotional pain in the other person, especially when we’re involved in some way, it’s common to feel guilty or ashamed. If these feelings become overwhelming, we might either blame ourselves ("I must be a bad person") or blame the other person ("They are so wrong or hurtful"). This "hot potato" thinking doesn’t lead to resolution—it only deepens the divide.
What Can I Do to Repair the Relationship?
1. Initiate Communication to Reconnect
The first and most crucial step in repairing a rupture is initiating the conversation. While it can be difficult to be the one to reach out, like anything, it gets easier with practice. You can start with something simple like, “Hey, let’s talk about what happened. I want to work through this with you.”
However, keep in mind that the other person may need more time and space and might not be ready to talk yet. Allowing them the space they need is an important part of the reconnection process.
2. Take Accountability
It’s important to understand that taking accountability isn’t about self-condemnation, where you assume you’re the "bad guy." Instead, it’s about approaching the situation with compassion and acknowledging your contribution. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said. That wasn’t okay, even though I was frustrated.”
3. Share What You Were Feeling or Thinking
This is not the same as justifying your actions or expecting the other person to accept your perspective. The goal here is to express how you were feeling or what you were thinking at the time. Focus on sharing your own experience, rather than pointing out what the other person did or said. For example, “When you told me about the trip, I felt scared that we might grow apart.”
4. Establish Mutual Intentions
Emotional reconnection is a two-way street. You need to make space for the other person to share their perspective, and be open to listening—not just to their words, but with compassion and empathy for their view, even if you disagree. Together, identify a shared desire or goal in the relationship—such as wanting it to last, being more thoughtful toward each other, or committing to openness and honesty.
5. Collaborate on Problem-Solving
Once you’ve both shared your thoughts and feelings, discuss ways to address similar issues that might arise in the future. While you might not be completely satisfied with the solution, learning to compromise is just as important as learning how to advocate for yourself.
This blog post is for informational purposes only. This is not a substitute for medical advice and please consult your mental health provider or physician if you have any concern about your mental health or diagnosis. Using this blog post does not establish a physician-patient relationship.
